we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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