i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
