My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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