How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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