Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
my poor anus
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
