i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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