well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You ruined the universe
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize