Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
