he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
