Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I need a burrito and a hug.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
