tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I enjoy the company of your penis
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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