Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
