its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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