It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I want to fling myself into the sun
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So here I am, sexting at work.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
