I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
