Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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