This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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