areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
