you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Everything about him screamed your future.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
