i think my mom watched the whole time
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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