dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Randomize
