We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
