she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
