Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
