I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
