Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
