I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Are we still banned from the library?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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