he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
