can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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