Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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