sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
