why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
