I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
it's not cheating when I paid for it
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
