She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
