I wanna bring you to show and tell
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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