I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
