You smell like stripper and shame
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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