There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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