I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
