The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize