haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
