My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
NoShamevember. You game?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
How does one acquire holy water?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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