If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
