I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
