just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
