oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
