My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
