Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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