I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
sarcasm needs its own font
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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