Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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