Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
