You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
