im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
