why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
