Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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