I got chris browned last night
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
