you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
So squirting runs in the family.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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