On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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