Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
It's rum buckets o'clock
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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